The Rant

If you're worried we can't fill a two hour radio show you needn't. What you should be worried about is if you could play any music inbetween this onslaught of fascinating dribble.

For example, you may not know this, but the Muppets have souls. I'm not talking fairies, moonbeams and dragons here, I'm saying genuine, 100 percent, redeemable in heaven or paid for in hell - souls. Every Muppet that Jim Henson and Co created was given its own soul by means of having only the one performer. For example, Miss Piggy is Frank Oz. No one else is Miss Piggy, just Frank and only Frank. Frank's soul is Miss Piggy's soul.

If you don't believe me, type the word 'muppets' in lower case into a Microsoft Word document and it will scraggle the red line of unshakable truth and demand you pay the proper respect and make that little 'm' a big 'M'. Now try the word 'puppets' and gasp in amazement. Bill Gates truly is th Oracle.

Since the unfortunate demise of Jim Henson, the Henson family has sold the rights over to Walt Disney, who immediately rewrote the muppets contracts and deleted the subsection relating to their souls. So under the watchful gaze of Walt and his mousketeers, anyone with a hand can stick it up the date of a Muppet. There's something about the thought of yet another nameless puppeteer shoving his hand up Kermit's watertight arse that fills me with an uncontrollable rage and makes me want me to give up all the trappings of my charmed life and go live in a trash can.

Let's never lose sight of the fact that children all over the world have had some form of contact with the Muppets and they want rainbow connections. They want to be easy, and they need to be green.

Unfortunately though, the fate of the Muppets has been tried and adjudicated, however from all reports, the jury is still out on issues such as climate change. Even good ol' Johnny Howard has been known to throw those words around. Only when he did, he formally retracted the statement afterwards, which is a big deal coming from a man not known for his apologies.

The jury is out you say? Well, they must be 'out' drinking with a panel of experts just like those who brought us such pearls of wisdom as 'The Earth is flat', 'Mental illness can be cured through lobotomy' and my personal favourite, 'cigarettes are the best way to relax a pregnant woman'.

I'm sick and tired of listening to the jury debate climate change. Send the jurors home and listen to me for no other reason than I have a vested interest in having a planet to live on.

And I say forget about climate change and just remember, 'Sustainability is OK.' Even if none or all of the problems pop up, it doesn't change the fact that sustainability is a good thing. Period. So don't wait for the 'Earth is flat' or the 'Earth is round' brigades to find some common non-spherical ground to be all expertly with. Get on the stupidly simple sustainable path to enlightenment.

And that's not even the half of it. Don't get me started on how we should all take heed of the divine teachings of our beloved Rocky, aka the Buddha Balboa.

Or how the BBC wasn't happy with just predicted the weather, no, they took it one step further on that fateful september 11 day and reported on a building collapse before it even fell. Don't get me started, particularly not on that one. Oh alright, go on then.